Lucky 7

The morning of my procedure I was extremely anxious. As with most aspects of infertility, there were still so many unknowns as to what the outcome would be. I consistently prayed that all of these injections would provide me with the result I desired.

I woke up, showered, and did my second douche in two days. Yes, douche. I suddenly had a whole new reference of a douche bag. 

I arrived at the office a little early. My mother accompanied me since I would not be able to drive home after sedation. There were a couple of the husbands in the waiting room and since we had become friendly during this process I asked about how their wives were doing. They were pretty eager to find out how their wives were doing.   

The difference was that they were moving on to hopefully transfer healthy embryos during the week, while my journey was coming to a temporary pause after today. 

They called me into the back and started to prepare me for the procedure. I put on the gown and cap and the nurse came in and went over some information with me about the procedure as well as what to expect afterwards.

I was shaking, a bit nervous. Not for the procedure itself but for the outcome. I was lucky enough to have come THIS far, was my luck going to run out? The doctor never thought I would have gotten to this point.

There were three curtained off areas and I was in the middle one. I heard a woman recovering to my left. Instantly, I recognized her voice and as the wife of one of the men in the waiting room. She seemed to be in a bit of distress, which mirrored her personality from the times we spoke in the mornings during check ups. Her blood pressure was very high and it was making her nervous, and in turn making me panic! I continued with my yoga breathing and waited. 

The anesthesiologist came in shortly after and started going over what he would be doing. He informed me that since I was a redhead I required more anesthesia for sedation. Also, he stated that he had heard I gave myself the trigger myself and was quite impressed. Apparently I had made quite a name for myself in the office. I assured him that when left with no other option, you do what you have to do. It was either give it to myself or not get it at all.  After he inserted the IV we walked over to the surgical room and I was instructed to lie on the table and insert my thighs in the stirrups with my behind hanging off the table.

It was quite an awkward position to be in, but I soon felt the drugs starting to do their job and began to relax.

There was a little drive-thru window to my left where the embryologist poked his head out and asked me a few questions about my procedure. I then asked him if he could give me a picture of the eggs that they retrieve and the next thing I remembered I was in the recovery room, uneasily waking up.

Was it over? Did I get any eggs? Were the mature? Were they strong? Could I talk to the doctor?

They assured me that I had already spoken to the doctor twice and that I had gotten 8 eggs, but only 7 were mature enough to freeze.

And that was that.

I got them. I had 7 and although it wasn’t as many as most women were getting who were much older than me, 7 was much better than 0.

At that particular moment I wanted to talk more about it, hear about everything that happened. But I was in fact feeling pretty tipsy. The nurse told me to go to the bathroom and although I wasn’t feeling quite ready to get up I obliged. As I swung my legs to the side of the bed I felt like I was going to topple over. She helped me up and brought me into the bathroom. I was able to go and then somehow lifted myself up to go back to my bed. As I was leaving the bathroom my mother was coming around the corner and the nurse had told me my mother would help me get dressed and I was able to leave.
Although I did not feel ready to leave I was too drunk to argue…I got dressed and began to leave.

The nurse then handed me the picture I had apparently requested numerous times throughout the morning.

And there they were. My 7 little eggies. I was so overjoyed. BURSTING with pride for my eggs. I am completely in love. 

My lucky 7.


I wasn’t sure what the little spots were around them, if that signaled abnormalities or something else. But I didn’t care. I was just so happy I got them and that they were mine! 

They also gave me a picture of my 8th egg that did not make it. I had assumed that this was from the little follicle on my left side. I had heard the doctor reading my numbers each time, and there always seemed to be one that was just slightly behind the others. Maybe if we had just given him a little more time, he would have made it too. I felt sad for him.


 I saw the doctor at the desk as I was making my way out and asked him about my eggs. He said there were 7 good ones and that he wanted to see me in about a week and a half, which was contrary to what the nurses had told me would be happening. They had said that I should contact the office when I was ready to do something with my eggs. I was relieved with the new plan, as I was not ready to just abandon my journey.

I would be recovering at my parent’s house and stayed there over night. After reading some women’s experiences with egg retrieval I was pretty certain I’d be up and about that day, ready to go home that night, and that I would be able to start running again the following day. Not all had an easy recovery, but I was in pretty decent shape and figured my body would just bounce back easily.

That was absolutely not the case. I took the following day off of work as well and was glad I had. My head was pounding for most of the day and since I was not able to take my Excedrin, I wasn’t sure that I would be able to rid myself of it. I called the office and the nurse told me to take my Percocet, that it should help my head.

It did, and although I did not want to use the drugs after the procedure, Tylenol was not helping the pain. My stomach was very bloated and tender to the touch. I was bleeding, but it had subsided as the day progressed. I had a lot of things planned for that day, but was not able to complete any of them. 

Later that evening I got ready to leave and made my way back home. I was exhausted and hurting, but I knew I had to get it together so I could go to work the next day. I looked around my house and everywhere were reminders of the process; pages of instructions hung on the fridge, my bag of syringes and alcohol swabs, my sharps container in my bathroom and box of band aids. (I have since replaced the papers on the fridge with the lucky 7)

And I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. I was so riddled with mountains of emotions that I couldn’t control myself.

Part of it was relief that I would no longer have to revolve my evening around injections. Relief that I had gotten 7 healthy eggs. Relief that my life would be getting back to normal.

As normal as it could. I knew that the thought of those eggs sitting there would haunt me. I so badly wanted to use them, but I wasn’t sure how. I was so anxious about getting a donor. This would direct my life on a completely off-beat path. I wasn’t sure I was completely ready for it.

The other part was sadness. Sadness that my journey stopped here. I wouldn’t be progressing as the other women. I wouldn’t be potentially meeting my baby within the next year.

This was the part of me that was overcome. Everyone else was continuing their journeys, doing their progesterone shots preparing their bodies for transfer. That wasn’t my path, and I had to figure out how to accept it. 

I got myself up for work the next morning, not having completed anything that I had set out to do to prepare myself. I still had this lingering feeling of defeat and sadness, but I dressed myself in my best front for the day and went to work. I had a workshop, so I was hoping that my movement would be minimal and I wouldn’t feel so bad.

As the day went on, my bleeding got heavier and heavier. I was in constant pain and discomfort in my stomach, so I took Tylenol. This did NOT help.

I also called the doctor that day to check on my eggs, just to make sure that all 7 made it to freezing. Although he had assured me they were all healthy, I just wanted to double check. The nurse told me that they had all been frozen, and asked if I wanted to do another cycle.

SURE! Let me just pop out another 8k, that I didn’t have.

I suddenly felt like my 7 were unsubstantial, because although 7 was greater than 0, the usual story had womens eggs diminishing as they progressed through each phase towards IVF.

For example, one lady had 14 retrieved, only 9 fertilized, and she was waiting to see how many lived to day 5- if she would have any that were able to be transferred.

Again, everyone is different and I just had to hope that my eggs would make it, at least one would give me the baby I wanted.

It’s hard to keep your emotions in check. There are so many uncertainties, so many worries. Most will tell you to just stay positive and do what you have to do. I found this quote that completely resonated with me, because although I wanted to be that positive, upbeat person it was not always possible. This experience was completely draining.


I also told the nurse I was interested in discussing my next steps, and although my doctor was not a fan of me using donor sperm I wanted to visit the option. I was mostly interested in what the cost would be. The financial factor was actually the only real thing holding me back from following my dream. I didn’t have the money to complete a cycle without it being covered. I didn’t have the money to live on my own and support a baby. It would all come down to what insurance would be covering. I left a message for the lady in charge of billing and hoped for the best.

By the end of the day, I was beside myself. The other women I had talked to who had their retrieval when I did were feeling they were also feeling poorly, minus the bleeding. One had returned to work that day, but left early as she was in too much pain.

But the time I returned home that evening, I had the chills, my nausea was excessive, and my bleeding was bad. I referred back to the directions the nurse had given me and although I thought it had said bleeding up to a week, it actually stated that bleeding may occur for 1-2 days.

This was day 3 so I wasn’t too concerned, but apparently my mother was. She showed up at my house with a chocolate cake and sat with me for a few hours. She told me to take some Percocet and it did in fact help. She wanted to stay but I told her that it was ok for her to leave, that I would be fine!


I think that my body’s condition was in part due to my movement throughout the day, but also the emotions I was again trying to suppress. I was so unsure as to when or how I would be using my eggs and it was effecting me.

I had to actively stop my thinking and assure myself that I had done what I needed to do and that everything would happen in due time.
I was growing more and more eager to meet with the doctor in coming weeks to discuss what to do next. My appointment was for Valentine’s Day. I was hoping cupid would point me in the right direction, for once. 

The Grand Finale!

Thursday I was back at the office in the morning for more monitoring. My instructions for that evening were to continue my routine of Cetrotide in the morning, Follistim and Menopur at night. This was day 10 of stims for me and my body was feeling pretty run down. I had a massive headache and the nurse said I could take some Tylenol to help it. I was hoping when I returned in the morning the doctor would tell me I was ready to trigger that night. It would all depend on my numbers from the bloodwork and what my follicles measured in the morning.

I arrived at the office early as usual on Friday (THIRD). Two nurses came in that morning to do my ultrasound, as the doctor was not arriving until a little later. I trusted the nurses would be able to complete the ultrasound with competence just as the doctor had.

However when she went to look for my follicles she had a difficult time finding them to measure them.

“It’s very shadowy.”

I was in a panic. Did they disappear? Did I do something wrong with my injections? Why couldn’t she find my follicles?

Each time the doctor went to measure them he had no problem finding them. At this point she had been poking around for over 5 minutes and it was getting pretty painful. I sat up and she began to tell me that I would be getting a call later with my blood test results when there was a little knock on the door.

Thank you JESUS!

He asked how everything was going and I voiced my concern about the results of the ultrasound. He instantly told me to lie back down, that he wanted to take a look himself. Just to reassure me that everything was fine.

I was overcome with an immediate sense of relief.

He completed the ultrasound within a couple minutes and easily located and measured my follicles. At this point there were about 7 or 8, a few that seemed to be mature and the others a little smaller. The majority of them measured over 16 mm, but some were a little smaller. I was pretty sure he wanted them to be a little bigger.

It was another waiting game to see what my new instructions would be. Would I be triggering that evening or continuing the stimulants?

I was feeling much better than the day before, but the waiting was KILLING me! I was getting ready to leave work and I still hadn’t heard back from them. I decided if I didn’t hear back by 3:30 that I would call the office.

They called me shortly after instructing me to continue my stimulants the following evening and my antagonist in the morning.

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My bruises and bloat- sorry this is real life. I’m not very blessed in the ab department anyway
I was already pretty sore, bloated, and bruised, but I kept the end result in sight! All of this pain and discomfort would totally be worth it. I was certain!

Friday night, I went to set up for what I hoped would be my last night of stimulants, day 11. I got my Follistim pen out and went to get out my vials of Menopur when I realized I did not have any powders left of Menopur, only solutions.

I promptly dove into a panic. (I am a huge panicker, if you haven’t caught on) How could I be so careless and not notice that I had no more powder?! So absolutely careless of me. I was sure this was the ultimate mess up and it would completely void any progress I had made during the last week and a half. All of those injections for NOTHING!

It was around 7PM. There were pharmacies open of course, but none of the ones around me had fertility drugs. My haul had been shipped to me from a pharmacy that specialized in these drugs, and it was 2 hours away. I surely wouldn’t be able to get there before closing, if they were even still open!

I texted one of my friends who had just completed a cycle right before me. I explained my situation and she said that she had extra Menopur! She actually had 150 IUs left, which was exactly the dose that I needed! It’s like the stars aligned and miraculously she had EXACTLY what I needed!

I also placed a call to the answering service for the doctor’s office. I felt awful about bothering them on a Friday night, but I suppose this is the reason that they have a system like this set up. I wanted to see what my options were and if I should make a trip to my friends house that was about an hour and a half away. I would be giving myself the dose late, but I figured it would be better late than never.

As I was getting ready to make the drive, a doctor from the office called me back. I had never met her before, as she mostly worked at a satellite office that they had in another city. I explained my situation to her and she began telling me how the Menopur was half FSH, which is what was in Follistim. The other half was LH, which was a different find of hormone. She instructed me to take 225 more IUs of Follistim and that missing the LH for the evening shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. However if I was to continue the stimulants for the following evening I should get additional Menopur.

I wanted to be confident in her response, so I reassured myself that everything would be ok. I was lucky to have so much extra Follistim that I was able to have that as an option to solve my problem. I gave myself the extra dose and thanked my friend for her beyond generous offer.

Never a dull moment.

When I went in the following morning I was so hopeful for the news that I would be able to trigger that night. It was now Saturday morning, day 12.

The doctor came in to do my ultrasound and as he began to rattle off the measurements of my follicles, I was elated to hear the numbers!

22, 20, 21…

He continued to call out numbers that I was more than pleased with. I may have started out a little rocky and had gotten a little anxious when many were triggering sooner with smaller doses of stims, but EVERYONE is different. I now know that if I do this again to not compare my numbers to others.

The doctor stated that as long as my estradiol level was good, that I would be triggering that evening.

Ohhhh the trigger! I was so nervous about this injection! A huge needle and a few extra steps made it difficult to give to myself. He asked again where I lived. I was pretty sure that if I really had asked he would have met me somewhere to give me the shot as he had with the patient he told me about.

I was confident that I would be able to give myself the trigger. Remembering back to how apprehensive I was about the other injections and how ultimately they weren’t nearly as bad as I thought them up to be, I was thinking the same thing would happen with this shot. If I could do them, I would be able to do this one shot with no problems.

He said that he could have a nurse show me how to do the injection in my thigh, but I was not interested in that! I told him I had a big butt so I was more comfortable giving myself the injection there.

The doctor laughed and said, “Oh now you’re bragging about your big booty!”

I’m not sure if that was the direction I was going, but if I had all the extra meat back there I was pretty sure it would be less painful than my thigh.

He grabbed each side of my behind and made target circles for me to give my injection to myself. I wasn’t certain which side I would want to give it on, I would decide later. He reassured me I would be fine giving it to myself, but to wait for a call later as to what time I should administer the injection. The timing was VERY important. He told me a story about how one patient had not listened to the time and when he went in for the retrieval there were no eggs.

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My Targets
They called a short while later and told me to stop all other injections, but to give myself the trigger at exactly 8:30 PM.

The grand finale injection.

I had become friendly with some of the other women who I had met when arriving early and waiting for the office door to open. A couple had found me on Facebook and we started sharing our stories and experiences throughout the day. It was really nice to have others to discuss things with each day. There was a level of comfort and understanding between us that was nice to have. One of the women had triggered the night before while the other one was triggering just before me that evening. Of course both of them had their husbands doing their shots. They could not understand how I was able to do it myself.

All the women could not believe that I was doing everything myself. They couldn’t imagine it. I want to make clear that before put in this situation, I would have had the same thoughts. But when you are faced with the options of doing it yourself or losing out on your chance to have a baby, you find the strength because you have no other choice.

But I won’t lie, the day dragged. I was so nervous I barely ate all day. My nerves were shot and I was shaking a couple hours before the shot. I couldn’t get out of my head, but I was confident I would be able to do it.

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Pregnyl, my last injection
Around 8 I started setting the bathroom up. I recall one of the women stating how the powder took a bit to dissolve.

I also began icing my left side. I felt like this would be the easier one to complete the injection. One of the videos I had watched suggested it so I decided to give it a try.

At 8:25 I began to mix the solution, then changed the needle because the mixing needle would be dull from puncturing the tops of the vials.

I was set to go and began to turn to my left when I realized that this wouldn’t be the best side for me to turn to. Last minute ditch, I turned to my right and began to pinch the spot, when I remembered the instructions were to spread the skin taught.

And the needle slid right in. I didn’t dart it like the videos had said. I slid it in slowly and pulled the injector back to check for blood, but saw nothing. I pushed the medicine in and waited 5 seconds before I pulled the needle out. Blood started coming out so I quickly covered the hole with a band aid.

Yes, a hole. The needle is thick!

I went to lay on my stomach because I was nervous that the medicine would start coming out. Ha!

But I was right. The injection did not hurt at all! The needle slid in like butter. I was so mad I wasted all day being in a panic about it! The painful part was after. The site hurt for quite a while but I felt such a sense of relief that it was over. All of my injections were over! I would need to go in the following morning for bloodwork to make sure that I had gotten enough of the HCG, but that was it. I was on the road to my egg retrieval. The moment I had been waiting for. I was so excited!

I woke up on Sunday morning with a terrible headache. I was expecting it from the burst of hormones I had put in my body the night before. But NOTHING could get me down! I was so excited to see what my outcome would be on Monday for the retrieval!

The nurse instructed me to arrive at the office 7:45 AM….

Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake

I feel like I keep referring to many of my recent days as “the beginning”. On this day I started ANOTHER leg of my journey. Another beginning. The STIMULANT chapter.

I will save you the repetitiveness of expanding upon my feelings about administering myself the injections. All of the information I read and the videos of people in their bathrooms that I watched prepared me for the WORST! I was pretty certain the intolerable STING of the Menopur or the double shot dose of the Follistim was surely going to do me in.

I’d like to reach out to those that OVER-prepared me for this….

Because it HONESTLY was not even CLOSE to as bad as I built it up to be in my head!

That night I set my clean work area up in my bathroom. I also brought in my laptop so I could simultaneously watch the teaching video while I was going through each step.

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Menopur- two powders with one solution, mixing needle and administering needle
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Follistim with two caps for my two separate injections

My plan was to literally mirror each step as they progressed in the demonstration. So when it came time to stick myself with the needle, I just did it. No hesitation at all!
And it wasn’t that bad.

I actually would suggest this method for others.

I have to say when I think back to how I was actually not going to complete the process due to my fear of the injections I can’t believe how foolish a notion it was.

Each time I inject these magical medicines into my stomach I hope they shoot right towards my follicles and plump them up so I produce some AMAZING eggs for my retrieval next week! I feel so powerful and accomplished with each injection. I’m DOING THIS.

And it’s CAKE.

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My 3 injection spots from the first night. (The bandaids don’t make it better)
Speaking of cake….

When I was younger our maltese had diabetes. Each night we had to give her injections and I can distinctly recall her backing her behind into our legs when she saw us starting to get the needle ready, BECAUSE she KNEW she was going to get a treat after!

This gave me the brilliant idea to REWARD MYSELF each night after I completed my injections.

 

If I wasn’t bloated enough from the drugs alone, the weight I would gain from all the goodies would definitely show in my waistline.

Which, yes I am RIDICULOUSLY bloated. By the end of the day I am super uncomfortable with the way my body looks. I have been wearing stretch pants and potato sacks to work. But this is all worth when I have my retrieval!

If I have my retrieval?

I keep forgetting (whether or not its kind of purposely I’m not sure) that there may NOT be a retrieval. Although I talk to the drugs and direct them to plump up my eggs, maybe they’re not listening? Maybe this is my way of finding out I’m not supposed to be a mom? I’m just not sure but I knew when I went to the doctor on Friday I would for sure have more answers.

Since I cut it SUPER close with getting to work on time Tuesday, I decided to get to the doctor BEFORE 6 AM, as the patient who was first on Tuesday stated she had arrived at 6.(Don’t give away your secrets!)  I am an early morning person so this was no big deal to me. My group of women did not mess around. I was up for the challenge.

I arrived at the office around 5:45 and was pleasantly surprised when the elevator door opened and I was the FIRST one to arrive. A small victory.

Around 6 a woman and her husband arrived along with another patient. Slowly more and more people arrived and each time the elevator slid open, shocked faces appeared. The crowd grew and grew. While waiting we of course all engaged in conversation. About what other than what had brought us all to that very moment.

Our (in)fertility.

It is a little strange talking about being infertile when I never even got the chance to try to get pregnant naturally. The majority of the women that morning were in their 3rd or 4th cycle, as previous ones had been unsuccessful. These women were NOT here for an insurance policy, they were here for their family. The group was so diverse in age, race, and appearance. One woman discussed all of her failed IUIs, which seemed to be a very common theme. Apparently she had to complete IUIs before insurance would contribute towards her IVF. This was her 4th round. All prior unsuccessful. She said how the doctor kept referring to the fact that she was 40 (OLD for conceiving purposes). He suggested using a donor egg, but this was not a solution she was comfortable with.

Which led nicely into the woman next to her who was in for her Beta, as she had already been through 4 unsuccessful IVF cycles and was currently using a donor egg at the age of 42.

Most stories had one thing in common. Failure. Lots of failures.

And tens of thousands of dollars lost.

One woman said she was discussing this with her husband. How much is a baby worth? They had already spent over $30,000. What if this doesn’t work? When do you stop?

A multitude of failures that these women have gotten through and pressed on for their desired outcome- a baby of their own. Truly amazing.

Why does it have to be so HARD? I just sit there so sad for these women. Their stories literally break my heart. I can’t believe all that they have been through and they’re still able to talk about it. I suppose it has consumed most of their lives for an extended period of time. And just like with writing these posts, telling your story is a bit healing.

But I sometimes forget that this could be ME one day. I couldn’t begin to think about it. I just needed to focus on what was in front of me.

But I was just at the beginning…

The woman using a donor egg said she was not even telling most of her family about how she conceived her child (if the process worked). But here we are, face to face, perfect strangers, and sharing our most personal stories.

Did I say telling OUR stories, because actually I simply listened. I think I was so in awe of their strength and perseverance, I couldn’t tell them that I only started this process a few months ago, and that this was my first fertility doctor. Most women had years into the process and had tried a few doctors before this.

The doors finally opened and by that time there were about 20 patients waiting; eager to have their answers. I wasn’t too sure how many answers we would have after today, but I knew that after the testing from the day was processed we would be called that day and given further instructions.

I was the first one in and after my blood was drawn I was taken back for my ultrasound. The tech reported that I had 3 small follicles on each side.

SMALL?!

I’ve been shoving needles and drugs in my stomach how can they be small?! This was definitely not the news that I was expecting to hear.

The nurse assured me that it was still early, that they would call me later with my instructions, and they hurried off into the next ultrasound.

I was left in the room, pantless and extraordinarily disappointed.

I need instant gratification. I felt like these drugs would produce 20+ mature, strong, healthy eggs with the first pop! They would be so strong that I wouldn’t even have to continue with them after today. I’d have so many eggs, the abundance would be overwhelming.

But early that afternoon, I was told to keep the dose I was on, that I didn’t have to come in on Saturday, but they would see me Monday morning for a follow up.

By Friday night, I already had a couple bruises on my stomach and it was super tender. My cockiness towards the injections was failing and I was not looking forward to finding a spot where it wouldn’t hurt. Sure I could use my upper legs but that made me a little nervous. In my head, I didn’t know how the drugs would travel between my thighs and ovaries. I wanted a straight shot for best results.

I set up for the injections and started with my Follistim first. The needle is so fine, it usually gliiiiiides in like butter. But tonight I had a difficult time getting the initial puncture, and the injection burned.

I knew that if this injection was troublesome, the Menopur was going to be a reallll problem. I had to get out of my head! I did some breathing before mixing the drug.

This needle did not disappoint. I could NOT get it through my skin! I had to re-place the needle and try again. It buuuuuurned bad! (maybe this is what the other bloggers were talking about) When I went to remove the needle, blood started pouring out. I was afraid I was losing the drug through the blood, but I was honestly just happy it was over.

I was pretty sure that the following nights would be close to the same, as the site is just so sore, bloated, and uncomfortable.

Saturday nights injections were accompanied by a little bit of wine.

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It did take the edge off.

Are you going to yell at me for having a few sips of fermented fruit? It’ll be ok. I honestly have not had a drop of alcohol since Christmas.

I’ve been staying at my parents a lot this week, as they are having some health issues and my mother gave me this necklace. It has St. Gerard (patron saint of expectant mothers), St. Anne (Mary’s mother), and Jesus. She wore it when she was pregnant with my sister and I. Although I’m not trying to get pregnant I’m hoping it brings me some luck. 

My mother’s necklace

I’m eager to see what my test results say on Monday morning. Really hoping and praying that I haven’t done all of this for nothing. I need my frozen insurance policy.

 

 

New Year, Same Me

It’s January 1st.

It’s a new year.

Generally we focus so much on making these MAJOR changes to ourselves in the new year.

Whether it’s losing weight, dropping a bad habit, or getting ahead at work…everyone seems to have their eye on conquering their goals, starting January 1.

That’s not me this year.

Although I am generally one to make such proclamations heading into the new year, I have decided to just treat this day like any other day. Be the best I can be, and taking it day by day.

Sometimes I’m on a roll! I have consecutive good days where I eat right, I’m active, I stay positive, and I just keep the current moment in view. I try to NOT worry about the future too much and just focus on what is right in front of me. What I have CONTROL over. Those are my better days.

But I’m not perfect. I have also had days where I just am inundated with thoughts about my current situation. I stay closed up and feel like I am literally drowning…

How did I get to this point?

What if I don’t respond to the stimulants?

How would I fund another round?

Will I ever find someone to be with and have a baby with?

If not, where will I find a donor?

How will I afford a child?

Will I be able to provide for the baby?

What if my eggs don’t survive thawing?

Should I just get donor sperm now so I don’t risk losing eggs in the thaw?

What will I do with my life if I am not able to have a baby?

I could keep going, but you get the point don’t you? And the kicker is I can sit here and contemplate all of these questions I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about before…

BUT there is actually NO ANSWER.

There’s no right answer. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. We can take to Google to search for words or answers that will ease our minds about a situation we may be in (doesn’t have to be fertility) but every case is different.

There may be no concrete answers, but I know that I will do everything I can and just trust that this path is the right one for me and everything will work out best for ME. I will not stress or worry about those who do not serve me or lift me up. Right now (and ALWAYS) surrounding oneself with positive people and things will always assist in your journey.

Annnnd I’m still a bit of an emotional wreck. If you thought the Polar Express incident was bizarre, I in fact started crying watching Dirty Dancing. No one puts Baby in the corner! I just admired the way he longed to save Frances from her overbearing parents. 

And my chest is HUGE! I’m generally rather slight in that area, however this birth control and estrogen has taken over my body. I’m trying to put it into the mind over matter perspective and think that my body will only change if I will it too, but that is still something I need to work on. Body image. It’s a killer. 

This week starts a series of appointments before I begin my injections.

I am promising to do my best with what I have and keep going FORWARD…there’s nothing for me the other way.

Trust.

Every night I pray and I tell God that I trust in his plan for me. I promise to try my best on the path that He is making for me because I know it’s perfect.

No matter what happens, it’s the right thing.

I may not see clearly every moment of every day, but I will try my best to redirect my thoughts and I will come out on the other side with the right answers.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy New Year!

And if you have any words of wisdom…I am SO open to hearing them.

My Own Personal Summer…

On December 8th, I started birth control and 1.25 mg of Premarin for 7 days. I generally have a bad reaction to hormones. They make me a little cRaZy and sick. So I was anticipating a pretty poor experience when I started this regiment. Although I do NOT recommend putting bad thoughts into the universe about these things…sometimes its HARD not to!

First off I want to say I’ve been SUPER emotional. I cry A LOT. I cried today when reading the Polar Express to my students and I cried the other day on the phone with FedEx when I couldn’t get my box to the right location for pick up. 

I’m not a crier. 

But I have to say that it hasn’t been AS bad as I thought, but (finished with the Premarin) I reaaaally have not been feeling great the last few days. I get bouts of nausea, heated feelings, and lightheadedness but I’m not sure if its because of the estrogen in my body, the hormones from the birth control, or the HEAT in my classroom.
Yes, it’s been getting pretty cold here lately. And before I forget to include this bit of information, I have in fact had some hot flashes within the past year- which is another thing that made me become more aggressive about checking on my reproductive system. I’ve had nights where I woke up COMPLETELY drenched in sweat; days I have been teaching and have had to suddenly sit down because I am hit with a wall of heat and suddenly feel like I am going to be sick.

To be honest, when this first started happening, I just thought maybe it was the temperature in the room, or something that I had eaten that day. Maybe because I was ovulating? And I guess I can’t really be exactly sure what caused it, but something that I wish I would have done was write down WHEN it happened so I could have a better idea WHY this was happening to my body. If I were to speculate, I would say I have been going through perimenopause.

“The end of your reproductive years…”

I’m not a doctor. BUT after researching my symptoms and what I have learned about my body lately, it seems as though this would be a fair diagnosis to make. Perimenopause is when your body starts to make the transition into menopause. Since I was low in the OR category this would make sense.

You may be thinking that’s so crazy! I’ve just turned 35! How could I be going through menopause at such a relatively young age?

Since I started this journey and read people’s stories, I have seen many other young (yes, even younger than me) women beginning to go through menopause at an early age. It’s not that uncommon. It’s just not the norm… (a word I’m really starting to dislike)

Family history can sometimes be taken into consideration when figuring out ones predicted menopause experience. My mother went through menopause in her mid 50s. She tells the story like this…

One night she felt hot and kicked off the sheets. It lasted a couple minutes and then she went back to sleep. That was that.

So it’s safe to say I am not in fact taking after my mother or grandparents for that matter. Both my grandmothers had 4-5 children and the last in their late 30s, early 40s.

Again, I don’t want you to think I have lost all hope in conceiving naturally. It is not something the doctor has completely ruled out. Freezing my eggs is simply the best option I have for insuring my chance at having a family in the future. Although my odds are not great (20-30% if you’ve forgotten) its not impossible! And if my eggs respond to the stimulants my doctor said my percentage could increase!

Back to my hot flashes…

Have you ever experienced one?

My friend’s aunt once referred to it as her “own personal summer”.

Its like this intense rush of heat, and you start sweating and your heart beats fast and you start to PANIC!

 

Or I d0….Anyway….

 

Was there something I could have done differently to stop this possibility of perimenopause from coming so soon? I think that many times when we are in these situations where we lose control over the path we thought our life would lead us on, we try to blame ourselves and figure out where we went wrong. Something I have decided throughout this is that I can’t blame myself or any one thing I did. Blame would not change things at this point and there was nothing I could do to change the past. I could only keep going forward and make choices that best served me from here on out.

So, I was going to freeze my eggs.

I know, I still can’t believe it.

I recently received all of my appointments for January. The injection lesson is the one I am most looking forward to. I have literally spent hours watching different women’s videos of them prepping the area, filling the syringes, and administering their own shots (on their perfectly flat bellies). It’s amazing how calm and accurate they are in their actions. Trust that if I were to make a similar video it would not go as smoothly. There could possibly be some crying, outbursts, hesitation, and nervousness. I will spare all of you the pain of ever making a video because I don’t think it would serve anyone.

But these women’s videos were inspirational. They made me think, hey if they can do it, why not me?

Why not me???

That’s just it. I can do it. I will be ok. And even though every time I open the fridge I am reminded that my entrance into the new year will be much different than most. While many will be focusing on making changes in their diets, breaking bad habits, and picking up a new workout routine…I will be making a choice that will hopefully insure my chance at having the life I always envisioned.

Someday.

I’m new at this blogging thing, but I am going to insert some links to the videos that I liked.

 

DISCLAIMER :: I hope I don’t get in trouble for this I am sharing this purely for innocent reasons I am not taking any credit for these videos and I am not receiving any compensation for sharing these videos either ::

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOiNpnFsUig

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of9hk6ryTvo

 

I have been mostly watching videos for Menopur and Follistim since those are two of the injectables I will be using. I literally have no clue what I am doing and not sure how all of the people in the videos I watch look like pros.

I am eager to see how I start feeling the next few days, as I am going to begin to take the birth control at night as recommended by my nurse.

Fingers crossed…

 

 

 

 

 

What Goes In, Must Come Out

On December 6th, I called my doctor’s office to tell them I had very heavy spotting and wanted to know what my next steps were. They said they would call in my birth control and estrogen and that I should start it the following day.

I am not sure why I needed to be on either of these medications, but I was willing to go on blind faith with the doctor’s orders. I soon Googled the reasoning and it appeared to be all part of the process to prepare my ovaries for optimal egg production. Although I do not prefer to rely on Google for pertinent information such as this, I wanted immediate answers and this is not something I receive from the office regularly. It is difficult to get in touch with my nurse. Also I feel like I did not get enough information from my doctor, as the last time I saw him I was still not sure what choice I would be making in regards to freezing my eggs or not. Now that I am full steam ahead with egg retrieval, I feel like I need another Q & A session.

Anyway…

The pharmacy called me that night to inform me that they did not have that high of a dose of the estrogen in stock and they would have to order it. Also they were not getting clearance from my insurance company. Never a dull moment. It would have been too easy to just walk into the pharmacy and get the prescriptions and start them the following day.

Long story short, I received the drugs the following night after many back and forth phone calls with the doctor and pharmacy.

So December 8th was the true start of my journey. I am catholic and that is the day of the Immaculate Conception. So you see, after all the back and forth and waiting to get the drugs, I feel like my journey began on this day for a reason. I do not think that it is a coincidence. To begin my journey on the day Mary was conceived is special to me. Although I know that this path I’m following is not the natural way of conceiving a child, I believe (after much back and forth inner debate) that I will do everything I possibly can and God will take it from there. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I leave it in His hands now.

I try to not be TOO optimistic. There are still so many things that could happen that could end my journey. And then I know that this was not meant to be; that I was not meant to have a biological child. But I am taking every chance that I can in order to make it my reality. Sometimes my cynicism is so strong that it over powers all of the good energy I try to create about the situation I am in. I just want to make sure I prepare myself for whatever the outcome is.

And I know what you’ve been thinking…even if I am able to freeze eggs I am still left without a partner. I still have that piece of my puzzle to figure out. I do not want to go about my life essentially searching for a sperm donor. I want a partner for the right reasons. If someone enters my life in the next couple years, then I will be blessed to have the option to procreate with him. If not then I will look into the options I have of finding a donor and going through IVF as a single woman.

As time has gone on (and its only been a few months) I have learned so much about myself and this process.

My conceptions and thoughts about many things have changed and I know whatever the outcome I will not be the same when I come out on the other end.

I am currently nearing the end of my week of estrogen (125 mg/day). It has made me a little woozy and emotional, but I have been trying to stay focused on the reason why I am doing this and it truly does help. I also try to go to yoga as often as possible to help keep my mind centered and my body well. Focusing on my purpose. Hoping for the best each day.

Of course I am anxious to begin my drugs. But I am also confident that in the end I will have the answers I have been seeking and everything will, one way or the other, fall into place.

I am set to begin my drugs on January 17th.

Shock and Awe

The week of November 14 I had decided to start looking into payment options and if there were different organizations that would assist in the cost. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck and even finding $160 extra dollars is overwhelming let alone $16,000.

Freezing eggs is not something that is covered by insurance because it is still considered experimental. My doctor told me the only way the insurance company would possibly cover the cost would be if I had a disease such as cancer where the treatments would effect my egg supply or quality. Just having bad luck in love and trying to start a family later in life was not considered a case that would be up for consideration to the insurance companies.

The procedure could possibly cost a total of $16,000; 8K for the doctor and 8k for the drugs. Being single and living on my own, I thought that I would qualify for assistance from the drug company. The secretary in the office informed me that the dosage the doctor had prescribed for me would actually only be a little over $6,000 and referred me to two companies; one for Follistim and one for Gonal F. After submitting tax documents and household information I would receive a response; either receiving 25, 50, or 75% off the cost of the drugs.

I received notice within a couple days from both companies that I would only be eligible for receiving 25% off.

THAT’S IT?! Who was more needy than me?!

Not only did I have a relatively small salary, but I live on my own and pay all of my bills on my own. How would I find $12,500 to pay for this procedure? I already had a loan out on my pension that was cutting into my salary for the time being. I had to figure something out, but in my profession it’s difficult to make extra money. In some jobs, the harder you work, there is opportunity to receive more income. But that is not the case being a teacher. I was already spreading myself pretty thin and working a tutoring program and picking up another stipend position. Maybe I would move home with my parents? Maybe I could find another job on weekends? I had to figure something out.

I wrote each company letters of appeal asking them to reconsider the percentage they would be taking off from my drugs.

After talking with the secretary in my doctor’s office about my concerns, she directed me towards a drug company that may be able to help. She forwarded them my number and later that night they called me, asked me some questions, and told me that I would be hearing from them by the end of the week. This was Monday.

So of course Wednesday I called them (wasn’t that close enough to the end of the week?) and they said they were still waiting on a few things and would get back to me soon.

That night I got a call. The woman very nonchalantly informed me that after running my information that the drugs would be costing me $43.

 

[[SHOCK]]

 

Words cannot describe the feeling I had at that moment. I was in shock and disbelief. What a huge burden to be lifted from my shoulders. Never in my life have I been so grateful to a complete stranger. She said she would be sending out my drugs to arrive the next week and that after applying a couple coupons, the final cost was $33.

Suddenly, the $8,000 I had to pay to the doctor seemed like a small amount. I was lucky enough to be able to borrow from a 403B that I had set up and although the monthly payments would be difficult, I would find a way to make it work. I felt suddenly reassured that this was in fact the right choice. That I was making the right decision and that everything would be ok. When all of the pieces slowly start falling into place that seems to happen…

November 22 I came home to a gigantic cooler box on my porch filled with various medication, syringes, and paperwork. It suddenly all became very real and panic set in. But I was still so thankful to have this opportunity. I was eager to start the process. Who knew how much time my eggs and I had left?

I called the doctors office the following day and they said to call when my next cycle began so they could give me further instructions.

More. Waiting….