R o l l e r c o a s t e r . . . 

I left my house super early this morning to arrive at the doctor early (even earlier than last time). Of course I was the first person there. I was very anxious and eager about my results; not like getting there earlier would have anything happen faster, but it made me feel better.

More women starting arriving around 5:45 and we began talking about our prior results and the instructions the doctor had given us. All of the women were on a much lower dose of stimulants than I was. The woman who had gotten her beta had some good news with her levels, although it was still a little too early to tell. Some other women had their retrievals over the weekend, as our cycles were staggered and they had started a bit earlier.

I was a little concerned about being on such a high dose. Clearly my situation required a little more bit of attention than the other women. Again, I tried to not let myself get too overwhelmed with the information.

The doors opened and I was immediately called in for bloodwork. Once the doctor arrived he began doing the ultrasound. I could tell by the look on his face that he was not too pleased. I’m not exactly sure how many follicles there were at this point, there may have been more. He stated that some of the follicles could have been old follicles that just hadn’t gone away. But the follicles that he was able to measure were not very big. Still small. It didn’t seem as though I was responding to the drugs. He would be able to give me a better answer later when my blookwork came back. If my estrogen levels went up then there was hope that the follicles contained eggs. If not then there would be no need for me to continue drugs and I would have my answer.

I suddenly was dying to have to give myself needles that evening.

In my head I envisioned my uterus to be this old, dusty attic with a thick layer of smog, cobwebs, and completely barren.

I was devastated. The doctor said they would be calling later with my instructions and that we would just hope for the best. I asked if it was more likely that I would not have the retrieval and he said he couldn’t answer that. He just did not want to give me an answer without the blood test results.

As I went to get up from the table, I felt like my legs were going to give out. They just weren’t working correctly. I felt like I was going to be sick. My heart ached. My chest was pounding. I had remembered this familiar feeling from a few months before. Except this time I had to get it together and hurry myself to work.

As I was exciting the lobby I ran into one of the nurses Laurie. She asked me how everything went and I had lost it. She just replied that I could only hope for the best and wait until the results came back. Isn’t there something she could do? Help me get the answers I wanted?

It was a long drive to work, and I was pretty certain it was going to be an even longer day of waiting for my phone call. The weather was very windy and rainy. They were calling for a nor’easter. The weather mirrored my feelings.

It’s just hard for me to understand it all. I was able to possibly accept that maybe I wasn’t meant to have a partner, but how is this my life? I so badly want to nurture and take care of someone. How did I get here? What were my mistakes?

Although I kept trying to reign in these feelings as I wasn’t even sure what the results would be from my blood work, it’s hard NOT to think this way. The vast majority of people I knew had it all. How did I end up alone with nothing? What was I going to do with my life?

I felt like I spent the majority of my 20’s avoiding getting pregnant at all costs. What if I had just been careless and slept with whomever I wanted without any form of contraception? Maybe my story would have been different.

I was watching this show the other night and the woman was saying how in her late 20’s she realized she wanted babies so she started dating and got pregnant twice.

I didn’t realize that was an option, or how one went about having babies. Maybe that was how I could have created a family of my own.

On Friday the office had called around 2 PM so it was going to be a very. long. day.

To my surprise, my phone rang a little after 11 AM.

This must be when they make the sad calls….

The nurse began speaking and I could hear her fumbling with her paperwork. She didn’t seem very upset, which surprised me. Don’t you KNOW you’re about to completely crush my world?! Have a little sympathy! At least act like you feel for me.

She started by telling me that the doctor had reviewed my blood work and that my estrogen levels were increasing. I was to continue taking my drugs and the doctor wanted to see me again on Wednesday morning.

I was completely shocked. I was literally feeling like a shell of myself, a puddle on the floor. Although this did not in any way mean that I would be going through with the retrieval, I was in fact one step closer.

Now I need to order more drugs because I am out of the Follistim. We will see how that goes…. a pen costs about $1,000. Hopefully my insurance is still ready to cover it. QUICKLY!

When will this rollercoaster even out?! I cannot WAIT to give myself shots tonight! It’s a celebration!

I feel like I’m on Chopped and I made it to the main course round!

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