New Year, Same Me

It’s January 1st.

It’s a new year.

Generally we focus so much on making these MAJOR changes to ourselves in the new year.

Whether it’s losing weight, dropping a bad habit, or getting ahead at work…everyone seems to have their eye on conquering their goals, starting January 1.

That’s not me this year.

Although I am generally one to make such proclamations heading into the new year, I have decided to just treat this day like any other day. Be the best I can be, and taking it day by day.

Sometimes I’m on a roll! I have consecutive good days where I eat right, I’m active, I stay positive, and I just keep the current moment in view. I try to NOT worry about the future too much and just focus on what is right in front of me. What I have CONTROL over. Those are my better days.

But I’m not perfect. I have also had days where I just am inundated with thoughts about my current situation. I stay closed up and feel like I am literally drowning…

How did I get to this point?

What if I don’t respond to the stimulants?

How would I fund another round?

Will I ever find someone to be with and have a baby with?

If not, where will I find a donor?

How will I afford a child?

Will I be able to provide for the baby?

What if my eggs don’t survive thawing?

Should I just get donor sperm now so I don’t risk losing eggs in the thaw?

What will I do with my life if I am not able to have a baby?

I could keep going, but you get the point don’t you? And the kicker is I can sit here and contemplate all of these questions I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about before…

BUT there is actually NO ANSWER.

There’s no right answer. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. We can take to Google to search for words or answers that will ease our minds about a situation we may be in (doesn’t have to be fertility) but every case is different.

There may be no concrete answers, but I know that I will do everything I can and just trust that this path is the right one for me and everything will work out best for ME. I will not stress or worry about those who do not serve me or lift me up. Right now (and ALWAYS) surrounding oneself with positive people and things will always assist in your journey.

Annnnd I’m still a bit of an emotional wreck. If you thought the Polar Express incident was bizarre, I in fact started crying watching Dirty Dancing. No one puts Baby in the corner! I just admired the way he longed to save Frances from her overbearing parents. 

And my chest is HUGE! I’m generally rather slight in that area, however this birth control and estrogen has taken over my body. I’m trying to put it into the mind over matter perspective and think that my body will only change if I will it too, but that is still something I need to work on. Body image. It’s a killer. 

This week starts a series of appointments before I begin my injections.

I am promising to do my best with what I have and keep going FORWARD…there’s nothing for me the other way.

Trust.

Every night I pray and I tell God that I trust in his plan for me. I promise to try my best on the path that He is making for me because I know it’s perfect.

No matter what happens, it’s the right thing.

I may not see clearly every moment of every day, but I will try my best to redirect my thoughts and I will come out on the other side with the right answers.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy New Year!

And if you have any words of wisdom…I am SO open to hearing them.

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