What Goes In, Must Come Out

On December 6th, I called my doctor’s office to tell them I had very heavy spotting and wanted to know what my next steps were. They said they would call in my birth control and estrogen and that I should start it the following day.

I am not sure why I needed to be on either of these medications, but I was willing to go on blind faith with the doctor’s orders. I soon Googled the reasoning and it appeared to be all part of the process to prepare my ovaries for optimal egg production. Although I do not prefer to rely on Google for pertinent information such as this, I wanted immediate answers and this is not something I receive from the office regularly. It is difficult to get in touch with my nurse. Also I feel like I did not get enough information from my doctor, as the last time I saw him I was still not sure what choice I would be making in regards to freezing my eggs or not. Now that I am full steam ahead with egg retrieval, I feel like I need another Q & A session.

Anyway…

The pharmacy called me that night to inform me that they did not have that high of a dose of the estrogen in stock and they would have to order it. Also they were not getting clearance from my insurance company. Never a dull moment. It would have been too easy to just walk into the pharmacy and get the prescriptions and start them the following day.

Long story short, I received the drugs the following night after many back and forth phone calls with the doctor and pharmacy.

So December 8th was the true start of my journey. I am catholic and that is the day of the Immaculate Conception. So you see, after all the back and forth and waiting to get the drugs, I feel like my journey began on this day for a reason. I do not think that it is a coincidence. To begin my journey on the day Mary was conceived is special to me. Although I know that this path I’m following is not the natural way of conceiving a child, I believe (after much back and forth inner debate) that I will do everything I possibly can and God will take it from there. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I leave it in His hands now.

I try to not be TOO optimistic. There are still so many things that could happen that could end my journey. And then I know that this was not meant to be; that I was not meant to have a biological child. But I am taking every chance that I can in order to make it my reality. Sometimes my cynicism is so strong that it over powers all of the good energy I try to create about the situation I am in. I just want to make sure I prepare myself for whatever the outcome is.

And I know what you’ve been thinking…even if I am able to freeze eggs I am still left without a partner. I still have that piece of my puzzle to figure out. I do not want to go about my life essentially searching for a sperm donor. I want a partner for the right reasons. If someone enters my life in the next couple years, then I will be blessed to have the option to procreate with him. If not then I will look into the options I have of finding a donor and going through IVF as a single woman.

As time has gone on (and its only been a few months) I have learned so much about myself and this process.

My conceptions and thoughts about many things have changed and I know whatever the outcome I will not be the same when I come out on the other end.

I am currently nearing the end of my week of estrogen (125 mg/day). It has made me a little woozy and emotional, but I have been trying to stay focused on the reason why I am doing this and it truly does help. I also try to go to yoga as often as possible to help keep my mind centered and my body well. Focusing on my purpose. Hoping for the best each day.

Of course I am anxious to begin my drugs. But I am also confident that in the end I will have the answers I have been seeking and everything will, one way or the other, fall into place.

I am set to begin my drugs on January 17th.

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