My Own Personal Summer…

On December 8th, I started birth control and 1.25 mg of Premarin for 7 days. I generally have a bad reaction to hormones. They make me a little cRaZy and sick. So I was anticipating a pretty poor experience when I started this regiment. Although I do NOT recommend putting bad thoughts into the universe about these things…sometimes its HARD not to!

First off I want to say I’ve been SUPER emotional. I cry A LOT. I cried today when reading the Polar Express to my students and I cried the other day on the phone with FedEx when I couldn’t get my box to the right location for pick up. 

I’m not a crier. 

But I have to say that it hasn’t been AS bad as I thought, but (finished with the Premarin) I reaaaally have not been feeling great the last few days. I get bouts of nausea, heated feelings, and lightheadedness but I’m not sure if its because of the estrogen in my body, the hormones from the birth control, or the HEAT in my classroom.
Yes, it’s been getting pretty cold here lately. And before I forget to include this bit of information, I have in fact had some hot flashes within the past year- which is another thing that made me become more aggressive about checking on my reproductive system. I’ve had nights where I woke up COMPLETELY drenched in sweat; days I have been teaching and have had to suddenly sit down because I am hit with a wall of heat and suddenly feel like I am going to be sick.

To be honest, when this first started happening, I just thought maybe it was the temperature in the room, or something that I had eaten that day. Maybe because I was ovulating? And I guess I can’t really be exactly sure what caused it, but something that I wish I would have done was write down WHEN it happened so I could have a better idea WHY this was happening to my body. If I were to speculate, I would say I have been going through perimenopause.

“The end of your reproductive years…”

I’m not a doctor. BUT after researching my symptoms and what I have learned about my body lately, it seems as though this would be a fair diagnosis to make. Perimenopause is when your body starts to make the transition into menopause. Since I was low in the OR category this would make sense.

You may be thinking that’s so crazy! I’ve just turned 35! How could I be going through menopause at such a relatively young age?

Since I started this journey and read people’s stories, I have seen many other young (yes, even younger than me) women beginning to go through menopause at an early age. It’s not that uncommon. It’s just not the norm… (a word I’m really starting to dislike)

Family history can sometimes be taken into consideration when figuring out ones predicted menopause experience. My mother went through menopause in her mid 50s. She tells the story like this…

One night she felt hot and kicked off the sheets. It lasted a couple minutes and then she went back to sleep. That was that.

So it’s safe to say I am not in fact taking after my mother or grandparents for that matter. Both my grandmothers had 4-5 children and the last in their late 30s, early 40s.

Again, I don’t want you to think I have lost all hope in conceiving naturally. It is not something the doctor has completely ruled out. Freezing my eggs is simply the best option I have for insuring my chance at having a family in the future. Although my odds are not great (20-30% if you’ve forgotten) its not impossible! And if my eggs respond to the stimulants my doctor said my percentage could increase!

Back to my hot flashes…

Have you ever experienced one?

My friend’s aunt once referred to it as her “own personal summer”.

Its like this intense rush of heat, and you start sweating and your heart beats fast and you start to PANIC!

 

Or I d0….Anyway….

 

Was there something I could have done differently to stop this possibility of perimenopause from coming so soon? I think that many times when we are in these situations where we lose control over the path we thought our life would lead us on, we try to blame ourselves and figure out where we went wrong. Something I have decided throughout this is that I can’t blame myself or any one thing I did. Blame would not change things at this point and there was nothing I could do to change the past. I could only keep going forward and make choices that best served me from here on out.

So, I was going to freeze my eggs.

I know, I still can’t believe it.

I recently received all of my appointments for January. The injection lesson is the one I am most looking forward to. I have literally spent hours watching different women’s videos of them prepping the area, filling the syringes, and administering their own shots (on their perfectly flat bellies). It’s amazing how calm and accurate they are in their actions. Trust that if I were to make a similar video it would not go as smoothly. There could possibly be some crying, outbursts, hesitation, and nervousness. I will spare all of you the pain of ever making a video because I don’t think it would serve anyone.

But these women’s videos were inspirational. They made me think, hey if they can do it, why not me?

Why not me???

That’s just it. I can do it. I will be ok. And even though every time I open the fridge I am reminded that my entrance into the new year will be much different than most. While many will be focusing on making changes in their diets, breaking bad habits, and picking up a new workout routine…I will be making a choice that will hopefully insure my chance at having the life I always envisioned.

Someday.

I’m new at this blogging thing, but I am going to insert some links to the videos that I liked.

 

DISCLAIMER :: I hope I don’t get in trouble for this I am sharing this purely for innocent reasons I am not taking any credit for these videos and I am not receiving any compensation for sharing these videos either ::

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOiNpnFsUig

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of9hk6ryTvo

 

I have been mostly watching videos for Menopur and Follistim since those are two of the injectables I will be using. I literally have no clue what I am doing and not sure how all of the people in the videos I watch look like pros.

I am eager to see how I start feeling the next few days, as I am going to begin to take the birth control at night as recommended by my nurse.

Fingers crossed…

 

 

 

 

 

What Goes In, Must Come Out

On December 6th, I called my doctor’s office to tell them I had very heavy spotting and wanted to know what my next steps were. They said they would call in my birth control and estrogen and that I should start it the following day.

I am not sure why I needed to be on either of these medications, but I was willing to go on blind faith with the doctor’s orders. I soon Googled the reasoning and it appeared to be all part of the process to prepare my ovaries for optimal egg production. Although I do not prefer to rely on Google for pertinent information such as this, I wanted immediate answers and this is not something I receive from the office regularly. It is difficult to get in touch with my nurse. Also I feel like I did not get enough information from my doctor, as the last time I saw him I was still not sure what choice I would be making in regards to freezing my eggs or not. Now that I am full steam ahead with egg retrieval, I feel like I need another Q & A session.

Anyway…

The pharmacy called me that night to inform me that they did not have that high of a dose of the estrogen in stock and they would have to order it. Also they were not getting clearance from my insurance company. Never a dull moment. It would have been too easy to just walk into the pharmacy and get the prescriptions and start them the following day.

Long story short, I received the drugs the following night after many back and forth phone calls with the doctor and pharmacy.

So December 8th was the true start of my journey. I am catholic and that is the day of the Immaculate Conception. So you see, after all the back and forth and waiting to get the drugs, I feel like my journey began on this day for a reason. I do not think that it is a coincidence. To begin my journey on the day Mary was conceived is special to me. Although I know that this path I’m following is not the natural way of conceiving a child, I believe (after much back and forth inner debate) that I will do everything I possibly can and God will take it from there. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I leave it in His hands now.

I try to not be TOO optimistic. There are still so many things that could happen that could end my journey. And then I know that this was not meant to be; that I was not meant to have a biological child. But I am taking every chance that I can in order to make it my reality. Sometimes my cynicism is so strong that it over powers all of the good energy I try to create about the situation I am in. I just want to make sure I prepare myself for whatever the outcome is.

And I know what you’ve been thinking…even if I am able to freeze eggs I am still left without a partner. I still have that piece of my puzzle to figure out. I do not want to go about my life essentially searching for a sperm donor. I want a partner for the right reasons. If someone enters my life in the next couple years, then I will be blessed to have the option to procreate with him. If not then I will look into the options I have of finding a donor and going through IVF as a single woman.

As time has gone on (and its only been a few months) I have learned so much about myself and this process.

My conceptions and thoughts about many things have changed and I know whatever the outcome I will not be the same when I come out on the other end.

I am currently nearing the end of my week of estrogen (125 mg/day). It has made me a little woozy and emotional, but I have been trying to stay focused on the reason why I am doing this and it truly does help. I also try to go to yoga as often as possible to help keep my mind centered and my body well. Focusing on my purpose. Hoping for the best each day.

Of course I am anxious to begin my drugs. But I am also confident that in the end I will have the answers I have been seeking and everything will, one way or the other, fall into place.

I am set to begin my drugs on January 17th.