Open the Window… Here Come My Plans

Monday, October 3 was the earliest the fertility doctor could see me. Although this was only a couple of weeks from my gynecologist appointment, the time dragged on. Didn’t they know that my eggs were slowly but surely leaving as time passed? Didn’t they know that I had important questions that needed to be answered?!

Didn’t they know that I had life plans that I needed to carry out?

I took off of work the day of my appointment. Surely I would have immediate answers and either need to celebrate or cry in a corner the remainder of the day.

Little did I know that with infertility, immediate and definite answers were few and far between. 

When I walked in I was greeted by smiling faces and a comfortable seat in the waiting room. Not too long after I arrived did I get notice that the doctor was running a little behind. Good thing I had a welcome folder stuffed with information, statistics, and options to read over.

The literature included was vastly directed towards couples. “You and your partner” was the major theme of each informative piece included in the folder that was supposed to comfort me and reassure me that I had options and I was in the right place. This was not the first time I felt like I was in a place where there are not many others like me. Most people did not go at this alone. And although I have many supportive and wonderful people in my life this was something I felt like I needed to face on my own.

After a while the nurse escorted me into the doctor’s office. Numerous certificates adorned the walls behind the doctor’s chair. Clearly he was a well respected fertility doctor with much accreditation from various educational institutions. The nurse seated me in front of his desk. Once she left I looked around and noted the box of tissues in front of me and the empty chair next to me.

Of course usually this office sees COUPLES grieving, looking for answers as to why their numerous attempts to start a family have failed.

I was well aware that at the age of 34 I was well out of the societal expectancy. Yes, I should have had a partner. It’s not as if I had not wanted one or been open to relationships. I try to not think about what I did wrong or what I could have done differently in my life to avoid the situation I am currently in. I can only change my attitude going forward and control my reaction to the information given to me.

I truly believe that you things happen for a reason and God’s plan for me is absolutely perfect. For me.

So, there I am. Alone. Waiting. Looking. Alone.

Did I mention I was alone?

The doctor then entered the room.

He was a fit older gentleman. Knowledgable, experienced, and to the point.

After a brief introduction and review of my medical history I immediately wanted to get to my questions. Should I be worried about my AMH? What could I do to improve it? And what were my options?

After informing me that AMH was not a very reliable test or able to be changed, but that they could use it along with a few other tests to figure out what my situation was. He also offered me some information about my options and stated that I was a little young to be coming to him but that he would gladly help me and answer my questions. He also wanted me to have an ultrasound that day so he could look at my follicles and uterus to get a better picture of my reproductive parts.

In the ultrasound doctor noticed a few cysts on one of my ovaries that he was not overly concerned about. He referred to them as functional cysts and proceeded to look around. He told me news that I was not quite prepared for. He stated that I did have a rather healthy uterus however I did not have many follicles. Although the AMH is not a very reliable test, what he was able to see did validate the results. I was looking at a very low chance of ever being able to conceive a child with my eggs. 20-30% chance to be exact.

But how could that be? I am young, I run, I am relatively healthy. I have only had one other surgery in my life (my tonsils removed). How could I have such a low chance of ever being able to have a biological child? The one thing I was always certain about in my life. I never had a profession I ever felt like I was destined to be in, but I absolutely knew I would be a mother. How could my chances be so low?


My heart sank.


I panicked. I can’t go back. What’s done is done.

I didn’t cry. Not in front of him. I don’t like to show emotion around others. I held my ground.

He told me we would do a couple more tests in the next month to obtain a more whole picture of where me and my eggs stand and what my choices would be. I’d be getting my FSH tested along with some other genetic testing. I also asked for my AMH to be retested just in case it changed. (hopeful) I needed more answers. Fast.